Sunday, October 21, 2007

In good times and bad

The past few months have been ones of high stress and not a lot of relief for me. My dad has had a lot of mental issues, declined very rapidly, and finally stabilized in the past few weeks. My husband, who is my hero in life, is a lover of risk and has decided to quit working real estate and has gone full time into his computer business. I feel like any solid ground I have built my life on is crumbling on. I need to be strong for my children, because now I'm the grown up, but I just want to curl up and cry. I do a lot of praying, because I know God's not changing, and he's still there, waiting and listening.
I can't control my tongue. What is in my brain comes out in before I have time to reel it in. So my frustration with the kids or my husband, and mostly my own inadequacies is inflicted upon those closest to me.
They always say money splits up marriages the most, but I think it's always the straw that breaks the camel's back. Lack of clear understanding in communication is what really does it. It's and issue that everyone has their strong opinions on...the spender and the saver, the miser and the giver. I tend toward the miserly and saving type, and it drives my husband crazy. I have come more to depend on this frugality as our finances are super tight during the latest business venture. My financial priorities don't match those of my husband, and I don't know how to reconcile them. So I try to communicate better, but then my mouth says something snippy in the moment, and all the work we've done in our communication is shattered. I don't know how to say how I feel without encountering a relational "firewall." If I say anything exactly how I think it in my head, it's misconstrued as negative and unsupportive.
So this is my prayer, God, please help me speak the same language as my husband! I love him so much, and just can't figure out how to say what I want to say, without my frustration and anger showing through. I need to give up anger. I need to try to sympathize.

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