Sunday, April 27, 2008

freedom from fear

I got to hear a speaker at Warm Beach Camp talk about freedom from fear tonight, and am glad I went. I have lived with fear and worry all my life...fear of eternity. I know, even though I'm a Christian, forever is just not something to be grasped. Fear of failure. Fear of not looking pretty. Fear of being dorky. Fear of losing loved ones. Fear of the Unknown. Lately, fear of the unknown has consumed my being. I let it do that. It was my job to worry about the unknown for my family, and do my darndest to figure out how to be prepared to protect them from unknown harms that might never happen. Or that might happen, but I have no control over. Losing our home was the most recent fear. There was nothing else I could control in our situation, and I wasn't quite ready to really give it over to God, so I did what I thought was best, and fretted about how to get the house on the market. Fiscally, it is probably the most sound decision to have the house on the market. Emotionally, it made me into a basket case. It was affecting my health, the kids' schooling and overall family well being. Brandon finally saw this the week before we were to put the place on the market. And I finally saw that I had been fighting him all along. No wonder it was so hard. So we are not selling the house, and Brandon's bearing the weight of that burden and the consequences that come with it. And he is ok with it. I know it's a heavy burden to bear, and I was trying to save him from that. But now that I have really given it over to him, I am really giving in over to God. Because God can do great things in hard times. One of the verses tonight the speaker shared was when Jesus said "In this world you will have trouble. Fear not, for I have overcome the world." So God's bigger than the worries, and as my good friend told me... in the occasion of really awfully hard times, it's nowhere near as hard as in your fears. In your fears, God is not with you. In your trials, he walks beside you.
After I grieved the loss of my project of protecting my husband from his burdens, it finally sunk in. Accepting his decision to carry this weight freed me from it. I am free from the heavy weight of fear that has pushed and sunk me deeper and deeper in to despair. I am free to trust that God will take care of me and my children through my husband, because there is absolutely, positively nothing else I can do. All I can do is lift my arms up like a little child and pray that He will carry me. And He is. I am able to think about next year, with far less anxiety. There are pangs of it when I try to make decisions about schooling and the birth of our last child, and which goats to sell off, I have no choice but to try to speculate what the next year might bring, and hope my decision jives with what actually happens. The strangest thing is, that people have been telling me they are praying for me in my situation, and I say thank you, but I realize my prayers have already been answered. I have been given the opportunity to trust, and to be released from fear, and it is actually happening. I know it will be tough again soon, so I welcome the prayers, and know I need them to continue, but for this time I will rest in the break the Lord has given me. I will enjoy the second half of my pregnancy and the last few months of the school year. I will listen to my children read to me, and I will read to them. I will sing them songs and do crafts with them. I will hug them for a long time. I will hug my husband extra long, knowing that I need to be in constant vigilant prayer for him as he carries our family's torch and leads us with God's help. I will love my husband more than ever before.